The call usually goes like this: “Fix our pastor. Just don’t say anything to him about my complaint.” It’s a call I often receive, a sure signal that trouble’s afoot. Sometimes the conversation indicates some genuine deficiencies in pastoral ministry. But it might also reveal the caller’s simple disagreement over the church’s current direction or the pastors particular decision. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that “everyone’s sayin’ it” doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone is saying it.
But how does this relational rift between pastor and member (or members) develop? And how might we mend it before that semi-anonymous phone call?
In my observation these rifts don’t usually happen because of lazy, uncaring pastors or angry, hard-to-please members. They most often occur because of assumptions about expectations. Pastors and staff come to a church with a set of assumptions about their ministry and what the church should expect of them. Members likewise assume what the pastor and staff should do. And they each assume the other shares their expectations. Then, when these tacit expectations go unmet, people respond with disappointment or even anger. Of course, instead of communicating with godly intent as Christian brothers and sisters, many say nothing, choosing instead to hold in their frustration as disappointments accumulate.
I see this pattern with pastors and church members alike. Godly, well-intended pastors lead with one set of expectations. Sincere, Christ-seeking members hold a different set. And each misses the other at every step. The discomfort mounts. If nothing changes, eventually the pressure will force one or both to blow.
Now, there’s a degree to which we can’t completely avoid tacit expectations. No matter how hard I try to clarify what is expected of me and what I can expect from the GTBN, from time to time one or the other will miss something. When this happens, before anyone assumes impure motives or falling competency, I say, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disappoint you. Tell me what you expected.” I might add, “Here’s what I thought.” Then, when we know where the expectations are different, we work as a team to clarify our shared expectations and move forward.
With patience and humility, Christians should be able to have honest conversations to clarify their expectations and, with scripture as our guide, communicate mutual expectations everyone can support.
But it certainly helps when we clarify expectations at the beginning of the relationship. Don’t assume that the new pastor, youth minister, deacon, etc knows everything you expect of their service. Nor should they assume the kind of support, assistance and resourcing they can expect from you. Talk about these things and communicate them clearly. One way I encourage this with new pastors and staff is by coaching search committees to negotiate with candidates a mutual covenant specifying what each can expect from the other. Then, once approved by the congregation, should conflict arise, you can refer to it and, if necessary, adjust expectations along the way.
I wrote weeks ago about how long it is taking churches to fill vacant staff positions. If you have a godly, equipped, hard working staff member, you owe them and your church every opportunity to work through and clarify expectations before taking further action. And, if you are a pastor or staff member, I suggest the same. Doing so, I believe, will more often than not redeem the relationship, leading to fruitful ministry.
Think about it!
Jim
PS
Yes, I only mentioned scripture once. Every pastor I know says, “I take my job from the Bible.” And every church says, “We want our pastor to do what the Bible calls the pastor to do.” Yet somehow we still get cross-wise. I write this article with the tacit expectation that our knowledge of God’s word should determine our expectations for the pastor, staff, and all church members. Clarifying our understand so that we agree what it looks like in our given setting is my intent with this post.